Funny how I expect no one to read or care about this. which gives me the freedom to tell all. and feel at least a bit relieved. I am a Christian, have been one for some years now. I felt lonely and unworthy of being loved for most of my life. I tried hard getting close to God for so many years, but heaven felt airthight closed. then I met someone. He is not a Christian, and I began a secret relationship with him. it started...weird I guess. we fell in love. from the beging I started suffering, since I was betraying everything I truly, truly believe in. despite my actions, I do love God, I do believe in the bible, I do. I do. I truly do. and also, I suffered because I really love this person, how is this going to work out when we dont share the very fundamental and importance believe and faith in God? something that shapes and affects and touches every single area of my life. eventually my family found out, I was confronted. i was supposed to break up with the love of my life, ironically for both our sakes. i did. i tried. he did want to break up, u was desperate and complete broken. because of this crisis I started praying again, finally having a real relationship and fellowship with God. I thought I really do think, he spoke to me, he told me he would work a salvation miracle in him, which is why we did not break up in the end. I started praying, fasting, making vows before the altar, praying some more, for his salvation. and now it seems l. after all this time, after everything, I'm just supposed to break up, yet again. and I feel, this total and complete despair. something so deep, so huge, so much pain. I feel frozen. I don't eve. know how to react. or i dont know, it's my brain trying to protect me. i doubt know. Just please God, have mercy on is, please take care of both of us. help. just help.

My heart is breaking in a thousand pieces, I feel undone, I am the victim and the executioner. I am not sure what to think, how to feel about anything. I feel confused, broken, desperate, and hopeless. it feels that ahead nothing else lays but despair. maybe there's sunshine ahead, but there's a huge, dark, immense and endless valley of tears before. I am a monster. I deserve all this pain.